For years I wasn’t Authentic. I knew I loved my job and I was brilliant at it but I was a pleaser. A bend over backwards type of person, I liked the buzz I got from being a workaholic, always busy and in demand. I always put my needs and my family needs last to the point where I nearly lost my marriage and my sanity.
From being in that dark place for nearly 7 years and hitting that final rock bottom I finally began to listen. For years I had this dense heavy feeling deep in my gut that I tried to ignore and override. It was horrible. I described it as dense grey matter deep in my gut. I kept my in high anxiety and interfered constantly with my mental and physical health.
What I have learnt from my time of healing is that this feeling was my Authenticity. My integrity, because as I started to heal and live from a place of self-understanding, self-dedication and nourishment this heavy grey matter started to dissolve. I started to feel the difference between the things I wanted to say yes too and the things that just didn’t seem right or fit with me. It created huge changes in my life over time but I cant tell you how great it feels to live in my place of Authenticity and Integrity.
I still get that feeling today. When I am going against my grain I can feel it. It starts, the heaviness that dense feeling deep in my belly just the way I felt for all those years. I find it hard to relax, I get irritable, I get brain fog, it effects my eating and sleeping. Its horrible. But now I see it as a sign to take stock, re evaluate and act on it. I see it as my guide and know I have to take time out to listen, understand and reveal my truth and decide from that place. 💫